I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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