She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
