I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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