Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
