wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
