i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
