Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
