I wish my penis had an off switch
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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