My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Don't make out with my wife yet
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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