Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
