Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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