I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
