There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
