I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
