Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
