i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
