Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
