I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
