Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
