I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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