K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
