my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
