I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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