I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
