Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
