My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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