We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh god it's open bar.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
