I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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