the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
