return my video game
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I love you. Go after that dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
