Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
