I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
