Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
