Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
