I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
