you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
