We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
