tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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