I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
