that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
