I think I died a long time ago.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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