We won't sleep together?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I need to calm my uterus...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
