i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need to calm my uterus...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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