like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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