the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
