I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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