Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
