Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
