Your tits are I can't wait for
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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