Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
