Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
